Multiple Personality

When I talk about multiple personalities, I'm not talking about the clinical diagnosis of multiple personality disorder. That is a real problem for some people, and I don't know enough to comment on that. I'm talking about the multiple personalities that we all have--the different sides of ourselves that we show to different people.

So what are my multiple personalities? Well, I often start out quiet and shy, but I soon warm up and "open" up. Then you'll see different sides of me. What most people see is my more "extroverted" side. The side that tries to be funny and tries to crack jokes. I'm often dry and deadpanned, witty and wry, sarcastic and ironic. This keeps people laughing, and that is what I like.

So, is all of that a front or a protective wall? Sometimes I think so, other times I just think it is another aspect of my personality. What is the other side of me? Well, I can still be quiet and shy. I am an introvert by nature. I'm cautious and guarded. Sometimes I am cold and distant. I have issues with trust. And I'm paranoid that most people, especially my friends, do not trust me. I don't often "let people in" for fear people will see my weaknesses--I'm often fragile, frequently sensitive, and always emotional.

I'm strong and fragile, confident and insecure, bold and scared, hot and cold, close and distant, obsessive and apathetic.

Put simply, I guess I'm a mess.

I read a lot of blogs and see people spit out the philosophical cliche that they are "an enigma wrapped up in a mystery." I don't think I could describe myself on such terms. I wouldn't know what words to use and I don't have a thesaurus handy. What am I? Someone complex--probably also a philosophical or psychological cliche.

I expect most of the people who know me are somewhat puzzled by me and feel that they haven't got me quite figured out. I can only think of one person who can come close to figuring me out, and I'm also certain that 95% of the time she wants to strangle me. I can accept that from her.

I suppose that is why I write blogs and poetry. I'm often guarded by nature, but I am much more open with a pen in my hand or with my fingers at a keyboard. There is security and safety in opening up through this medium--probably another issue I need to work on, communication! I write these things so that maybe people can see the "real" me. But, then again, who is the real me? Or is the real me all of the mes combined into one crazy person? I certainly don't know.