Friday, June 30, 2006

Night on the Town and Becoming Me

I've just come home from a night on the town. Yes, it's only 11:00 right now, but I am getting older, and 11:00 is past my bedtime. My pal, Laura, and I started the night at dinner at a Mexican restaurant and ended with dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. The dessert ended fairly early, but we lingered on the patio and watched the people walk by. It's fun to watch people and it's fun to create life stories for each person that passes by. Pearl Street in Boulder gives you an interesting mix of people. You have the true Boulder people who are those mountain, earthy people. Then you have the Californian transplants who are still a little yuppie, but who are trying hard to be hippie Boulder people. I'm one of those Californian transplants, but I'm neither yuppie nor hippie. I'm just Me.

This week has also been a great week because my best friend Julie is in town. Julie and I met in California and suffered together in several bad Latin classes. Not long after I moved to Colorado, she moved to Texas, but fortunately her family also moved to Colorado so we see each other every once in a while. She's my best friend and I call her my big sister, and she has seen every side of me both good and bad. When we were having lunch the other day we were both talking about how much we have changed and grown over the years that we've known each other. Naturally we both still have our issues and we're both still learning things, but we've also truly grown over the years.

To turn the spotlight on me, I think that I have changed a lot over the past few years. Since moving to Colorado, I think I have grown up a lot. But what is most important is that I have grown a lot more comfortable in my own skin. About five or six years ago, I had that laid back, casual, "whatever" attitude and never really cared about anything one way or another. To use a lame cliche, I was that random leaf blowing about in the wind.

Things suddenly changed, and this change was good. In fact, it was great. I'm not quite sure what brought it about. Maybe it was because I was suddenly living alone in my own apartment. Maybe I was becoming more independent. Maybe it was because I was in school with some people who were somewhat sheltered, somewhat ignorant, and certainly not exposed to real diversity other than what they saw on "reality" TV. People who know me know that I'm not your typical, "normal," or average girl. I don't have a "normal" or typical background and lifestyle. Being the odd ball and the "different" one in a graduate department of young, white kids predominately from the midwest forced me to own up to my differences. Naturally, this isn't something I was ignorant of in the past, but when you live in California where there is so much diversity, being different isn't all that different. Other people who may have been in this same situation of being the "freak" or the "different one" might have withdrawn or adapted to the surroundings. I, on the other hand, started to grow into it, and, like I said, I started to really own it. Although owning who I am made a lot of people really uncomfortable, it just made me even more confident and comfortable with myself.


I'm at that stage in my life when I have really become who I really am. If you don't like it, it really doesn't matter to me. If you do like it, I appreciate you. This is me, this is who I am. I am very confident and I am very proud. I know I'm very smart, I'm sometimes serious and sometimes carefree, I'm not dropdead gorgeous but I'm beautiful in my own unique way, I'm sexy in my own way, I can be charming and mysterious at the same time, I'm sweet and sensitive, I'm tender and caring, and love is the most important thing to me. All of this might sound egotistical and narcissistic. If those are synonyms to confidence, then so be it. This is me. Take me or leave me. There is a lot worse out there. There is also a lot better. But, put simply, I am who I am. And I like to think that I'm not half bad.

Monday, June 26, 2006

For the Record

There often seems to be some confusion when I tell people what I studied in college and grad school. I studied Classics. I often get the response, "oh, you mean Shakespeare and Jane Austen, that's great." Once I even got the comment, "wow, you know how to play classical violin?" No, that's not what I mean. Although Shakespeare and Austen are "classics" in the sense that they produced works of "enduring excellence" (Websters), that's not the kind of Classics I'm talking about. I'm talking about the works of Greece and Rome. And I'll emphasize, ANCIENT Greece and Rome, as in predominately B.C. and the early parts of A.D. I can read ancient Greek and Latin.

And another thing. I got this tan because I was born this way. I didn't get it from sitting out in the sun by the pool. Granted, I do get darker when I sit in the sun and I can "tan" nicely in less than ten minutes, but this is more or less natural.

Thank you...

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Summer Weather


Just because it is summer, don't think we can't get hail...

Earlier today it was in the high 80s, but a nice little storm blew in this evening. We had everything. Lightning, thunder, and a downpour of hail. But, as to be expected in Colorado, things are starting to calm down, the hail is starting to melt, and the sun is coming out. I love this state!





Friday, June 23, 2006

Sweet Sixteen and The Hills

Old as I am, I still watch a good amount of MTV. Funny, I'm so old I remember the days when they actually played videos. Instead of watching videos, I've been caught up in some of their reality shows. Sweet Sixteen amuses me in the sense of watching a car accident. You're stunned and you're shocked, but you can't stop watching. Those kids must have a nice life if you see what their parties are like and if you see the gifts they receive. When I turned sixteen, my family didn't rent out a hall or club. No, I think we went to Red Lobster for dinner or lunch. I didn't arrive in a stretch Hummer limo, but rather an 80-something Chevy Celebrity. Whitney Houston (my favorite singer at the time) didn't come to the party and sing happy birthday to me, instead it was a group of waiters and waitresses working their way through college. I didn't get a brand new BMW, but maybe we went to Borders later in the evening and my parents bought me a few books. I'm not bitter, really, because I always have a wonderful time whenever I go out to dinner with my family. It doesn't matter if it is my birthday, and it doesn't matter how old I am.

I'm interested in The Hills because I got caught up in watching Laguna Beach, season two. Even though I'm a Kristin fan (that's a whole other story about my taste in women), I'm interested in how Lauren (LC) gets by in life after high school. One of the gals in the show dropped out of college (fashion school) to pursue her "dream job." Surprisingly, what she failed to realize is that when you have a job, you might actually have to work. And when you are about 19, you have to start out at the bottom. When speaking to her boss, she said things along the lines of, "she just didn't know that it was a full-time job, and she didn't know that she would be stuffing envelopes, she was mainly interested in the events." She basically thought her workplace would be a night club and her job would be to dance at parties and meet hot people. At least that's what I read. I work full time from 8:00 to 5:00 and I often eat lunch at my desk..."al desko" as they say it in the working world. If it isn't enough to work from Monday through Friday, I'll also be working this weekend on a freelance project I just took on. Extra cash is always good, and it's for a friend who I have a soft spot for and who I can never say no to. The "little sister" who can always get away with murder.

Oh, to be young. Enjoy it while it lasts, kids, because in 10 to 15 years you'll be worrying about paying rent, paying bills, and which 401(k) plan to sign up for. Enjoy your youth and freedom while you can, because this adult shit is overrated.

I say that in jest. I'd much rather be the age I am now than to be a teenager again. Even though I have my days when I can be a cranky and grumpy old fart, I tend to think I'm getting better with age. Kind of like a fine wine!


Current mood: full - I had a huge and yummy dinner tonight
Current drink: Cline's 2004 California Ancient Vines Zinfandel
Current music: The Wreckers

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Weather and Moods

For the past few days it has been unbearably hot. Today we have somewhat of a dramatic change. Lately temperatures have been in the 90s, but today it is in the 70s. It seems colder because of a cold wind and cold rain. We're actually having a thunderstorm right now, and the rumbling of thunder has been fairly constant. Afternoon thunderstorms are normal for Colorado, but today just feels different.

If you've read some of my poetry and if you know a little about me, you probably know that I love thunderstorms. I didn't used to be this way. When I was younger, thunderstorms terrified me. I've grown to love them over the years. Thunderstorms just put me in a mood. There is something intense about them, something dramatic. Maybe it is the sound, maybe it is the energy, but I often find them passionate and erotic. Maybe passionate and erotic describes me more than the thunderstorm. Sex and thunderstorms is always an amazing combination.

If this storm keeps up tonight, it looks like it will be a night of wine, candlelight, and poetry.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Burning in Boulder

This blog isn't anything to write home about. I mostly just want to complain. I want to complain about the heat right now. Temperatures in Colorado reached the 100+ mark. Add to that the hot, dry winds. I guess I can be thankful that it is dry. I can't even imagine how this heat would feel if you added humidity to the mix.

Current drink: Peach martini

Current clothing: not much...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Voyeur

Before I get into this blog, I just want to state that I'm not creepy.

I will admit that I am somewhat voyeuristic at times. Sometimes you can't help but be that way. When I'm in my apartment complex, you can't help but look in windows as you're passing by when you are getting mail, going to the laundry room, throwing out the trash, whatever. I'm always interested in what I'll see inside. What kind of furniture does a person have--fancy leather, old and beat up sofas and coffe tables, or futons? What do they have on their walls--prints, posters, pictures? Is their home clean or messy? What are they watching on TV? What kind of music do they listen to? These are all casual observations, a glimpse into someone's life as you briefly walk past. But it is nonetheless interesting to me for some reason.

At the same time I wonder what people think when they walk by my apartment. Prints and posters of Greece and Rome on the walls, five diplomas and a Phi Beta Kappa certificate, a variety of music coming from my stereo or computer, sometimes clean, sometimes messy. In the big picture what do these little things say about us? What little clues or insights do they give? I wonder...


Current mood: relaxed
Current music: Tori Amos From the Choir Girl Hotel
Current drink: Swanson 2002 Napa Valley Merlot

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Lazy Days

Last night when I went to bed I had every intention of waking up early and getting a good start on my day. I had plans to do my laundry early, get my car washed, go to the grocery store, maybe go to Target to buy something on impulse. I rolled out of bed around 10:30 when I intended to get up at 7:00, and after breakfast and a few cups of coffee, I didn't really get going until 12:00. Oh well. The laundry is almost done. Now all I have to do is make an attempt to make myself look somewhat pretty so that I can go out to do the rest of my chores and errands. I just might give up on the pretty part.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but I have been having a difficult time getting out of bed every morning. I always slept in a bit on weekends, but on weekdays when I had school or when I have work, I used to be able to pop out of bed at 6:00 (or earlier) without a problem. I wonder if something is wrong with me. I wonder if I'm sick and just don't know it. Did I kiss someone who had mono? Do I have chronic fatigue syndrome? Or am I just recovering from two years of stress and restless or sleepless nights? Maybe I'm just getting old!

Current Mood: Tired

Current Music: The Wreckers. Stand Still, Look Pretty
Current Drink: Root beer

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Missing Carla Roberts

Those of you who have read my MySpace blog know that many of us recently lost a very good friend, Carla Roberts. Most of us met Carla at our former workplace, and for many years she was fighting a battle against cancer. As sick as she was and as bad as she probably felt, Carla always had the most optimistic and most positive perspective on things. Knowing her ultimate fate, Carla appreciated every moment of her life, something the rest of us often take for granted.

Carla passed away in March, and earlier this week her husband went to collect her belongings from her old office--my old office, too, since I quit. Her husband brought along a little book that Carla really wanted me to have. Since I was no longer there, he gave it to my former manager, and fortunately someone else in the office was able to bring this little book to me.

Carla and I worked closely together, and I have always considered her a good friend. I admired her strength and courage, and in light of what she was going through I often felt guilty about how much I complained about the most petty and insignificant things. I am extremely touched that there was something that she wanted to give to me. The book is called Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within. I have always loved to write but have always considered myself an armchair writer. I'm not even sure if I ever told Carla that I liked to write, and I wonder why she wanted me to have this particular book. Maybe someone else said something about me or maybe she just intuitively knew something about me.

It is nice to now own something that belonged to her. She marked it up with highlighter and wrote in it occasionally. It feels strange to see her handwriting again. When I flipped through the book the first highlighted passage that caught my eye read, "trust in love and it will take you where you need to go. I want to add. Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go." Even though this is a book to help a writer get in touch with his or her inner voice, it is almost a manual on how to live your life and how to see the world around you. It seems to give you a different perspective on life and it seems to give you an awareness of everything that is going on around you. I can see how Carla, knowing how her time was limited, could appreciate a book like this.

*****
I am trying to write this blog to express my feelings about Carla, but right now I am having a difficult time giving her her due justice. I am at a loss for words right now. I wish I wasn't sitting alone here in this apartment, and I wish any of you were here with me. The emotion would speak for itself. And it's hard to be alone when I'm feeling this way.

Carla was an absolutely beautiful woman, and she was beautiful in every possible way. I miss her tremendously. I miss her sense of humor and I miss the way she made all of us laugh. Mostly I miss the way she helped me to appreciate life. This Saturday, June 10, would have been her 43rd birthday, and maybe that is what makes all of this so difficult. I simply miss her.

Monday, June 05, 2006

A Rip in the Moral Fabric of the Country

I try to watch the news to keep up on the latest events of the world. Sometimes it is just downright depressing--wars, disasters, deaths, and so many other bad things. In the year 2006, you would think that we would be progressing and moving forward in our thoughts and views on the world around us. You would think that as we become more exposed to the diverse world around us we would become more accepting of our differences. All of this might be true for the majority people in the world and in our country, but sometimes you can't help but stand in disbelief with how so many things seem to be regressing rather than progressing. I always thought that Constitutional amendments were written to bring us forward and to bring everyone together in some semblance of equality. What is one to think when they hear that a few politicians and lawmakers want to create a Constitutional amendment that would ban same-sex marriage? What is one to think when the rights of certain people are restricted or eliminated completely? We're considered the "leaders of the free world" (a fancy phrase for saying "we are imperialists and want to swallow the rest of the world in our empire"), but why are we restricting rights that have been granted in other countries such as The Netherlands, Canada, Belgium, Spain, and South Africa? Since the early days of the history of this country, people have come here with the old dream of seeking freedom. So why are so many freedoms taken away?

I hear the arguments, and they are simply insulting and disgusting. You hear the catch phrases like "sanctity of marriage" and arguments that same-sex marriage would undermine the "institution" of marriage. Then there are the most extreme arguments spewed by the most ignorant of the human race with claims such as, "if you allow gays to marry, what's next? people marrying dogs and other animals?" Everyone knows how ridiculous that sounds.

My question is, who, really, is being harmed when two people of the same sex get married? No one else is affected. No one is physically harmed. No one is financially harmed. How does this hurt anyone? A straight couple getting married in Nebraska has absolutely no impact or influence over my or anyone else's life outside of their friends and family. How will that same couple, or any other couple, be affected if somewhere two people of the same sex get married? And why should this same-sex couple not be entitled to the same rights and privileges as the straight couple?

These are all of the obvious political and social questions. But just consider the human aspect of this. Consider the emotional aspect. Love is love. The love one man may feel for another man or the love a woman can feel for another woman can be just as strong and just as intense as the love felt between a man and a woman. The traditional vows of "to have and to hold, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part" means the same thing to a same-sex couple as it does to a straight couple. Marriage is not about gender or sexual orientation. Marriage is the union of two hearts and two souls.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Summer Nights

Today was another warm day in Colorado. Summer days always tend to be hot, but the nights are always pleasant. Tonight is no exception. I think it is about 70 degrees right now and there is a slight breeze. It seems unusually dark, probably because of the phase of the moon right now. Things are quiet on my street, but I can hear the rush of cars on 30th down the street. Some people might think that the sound of cars would ruin the atmosphere. Tonight, for some reason, it sounds nice, almost soothing. Earlier tonight I was sitting outside my apartment drinking a glass of wine and just taking in the evening. It just felt wonderful. It felt nice to relax and to be absorbed in my own thoughts and nothing else. I can be intense and a little high-strung at times, but more often than not, I truly know how to relax and how to indulge in my me-time.

Current Mood: Romantic

Ph.D. Dreams

While I was in South Bend, Indiana, for a business trip, I was able to take a quick tour of Notre Dame. The weather was hot, humid, and generally miserable for someone from dry-as-a-bone Colorado, but whatever discomfort I was feeling was soon erased. The Notre Dame campus was beautiful. Very green, lots of trees, nice architecture. Being there made me miss grad school.

I'm always doing a continual dance around whether I want to go back to grad school. I'm only a few years away from a Ph.D., and it would be nice to have a Ph.D. even if it is just for the sake of my own ego to have one. I miss the studying. I miss reading Greek and Latin on a regular basis. And I definitely miss teaching. I don't necessarily miss the exams or papers, but I could deal with that.

One of the reasons why I don't want to go back to grad school is because of all of the drama. I went to CU for my master's degree, and maybe CU is an exception and maybe other schools are different. But being in the grad program took me back to high school. There was just so much gossiping and so much cattiness. You had all the talk about who is wearing what, how someone styles his or her hair, who is a bitch, and who is an ass, who is sleeping with whom, etc. You have your cliques and departmental politics and people who just think that they are better than everyone else. It always amazed me how so many intelligent people could be so emotionally and socially stunted.

Maybe the problem is with me. Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky, but I don't really want to deal with any of that crap at this stage in my life. So for now my Ph.D. plans are on hold. Maybe some day I'll be motivated to go back. Once I find the right school.

Current mood: dreamy

Current music: Dixie Chicks Taking the Long Way

Friday, June 02, 2006

Sweet Dreams

Late winter nights
New moon and icy winds
Swimming in wine
"Sweet dreams," she whispers
Kissed by an Angel
Locked in a sensual dance
Pushing, pulling
Leading, following
The tangle of limbs
The union of souls
Drunk on this desire
This mind-numbing ecstasy
I wake to morning light
A body warmed, arms filled
By the memory of a dream

--March 4, 2006

Strange Modesty and Creature of Habit

Earlier this week I was on a business trip to South Bend, Indiana. It was my first official business trip alone, and I had my own little rental car and my own hotel room. While I was in my room, I oddly enough found myself wrapped up in some strange kind of modesty. When I'm at home in my own apartment, I hardly ever close my bedroom or bathroom doors. I wander around naked or lounge around in a bathrobe. For some reason when I was in that hotel room, I didn't do any of these things. I felt modest even though I was still alone. What would compel me to shower with the bathroom door closed when I never do this at home? Maybe it was because I was out of my natural surroundings. Every morning the hotel sets up a little breakfast area. While I was eating my breakfast, I was surprised at how other people didn't seem to have the same sense of modesty. Almost everyone who came to breakfast arrived wearing their pajamas, boxers, t-shirts, whatever. They were either barefoot or in their socks with holes in the toes.

Even though I had this strange sense of modesty, a part of me was still a creature of habit. I had a huge king size bed, but I still had a tendency to sleep on one side as opposed to the middle. I slept on the side of the bed I sleep on when I'm at home in my own bed--the right side (when you're lying down) next to the night stand and alarm clock.

It was certainly an "interesting" trip in so many ways...